How values can move you beyond social anxiety
If you have social anxiety disorder, overcoming fear is usually your main goal.
There are two main drives that help us move beyond social anxiety. The first is the drive to move away from suffering by reducing anxiety, shame, and other painful symptoms. This is important, and it’s where most therapies tend to focus.
The second drive is to move toward something meaningful. It’s about building a life that feels fulfilling by connecting with what truly matters to you and letting that guide your choices.
These two drives go hand in hand. When you’re both moving away from what hurts and toward what inspires you, progress feels more natural.
Today, I want to talk about that second drive: moving toward what gives your life meaning. Think of it as the flip side of overcoming fear when you have social anxiety.
When anxiety takes center stage
When you’re living with social anxiety, it can start to feel like fear is running the show. Every decision gets filtered through the question, “What if I humiliate myself?” It’s exhausting. Overcoming fear quickly takes over your life and social anxiety, not you, is making the decisions.
But here’s the thing: You don’t have to fight fear head-on to move forward. There’s another way. When you tap into something that matters more than your anxiety—something bigger than fear—it starts to lose its grip. The more connected you are to what really matters, the smaller fear starts to feel by comparison.
Overcoming fear in social anxiety: a personal story
Here’s a personal example. Years ago, my aunt started a nonprofit to support children who had recently lost a parent. I offered to help set it up. Listening to the stories of those grieving kids moved me deeply. I lost my own mom when I was 13, and I vividly remember the pain and confusion of not having anyone to talk to about it.
I soon found myself wanting to do more. By that point, I’d already made some progress with my social anxiety. Still, many of the roles I took on felt intimidating at first, such as leading support groups and speaking up in meetings with parents and other volunteers. And yet, I kept showing up.
Why? Because my desire to help those kids was stronger than my fear. It put my fear into perspective. What was my discomfort compared to their grief? This was not a rhetorical question to be dismissed lightly—it came from a deep place of knowing what it was like to navigate that devastation alone. I couldn’t not help, even if it meant stepping into situations that scared me.
The experience was transformative. I discovered a powerful sense of meaning, not because I had conquered social anxiety but because something more important had taken the lead. The kids didn’t care if I was awkward. They cared that I cared.
Reframing anxiety through values
When you act in service of something you care about, anxiety becomes part of the journey rather than a roadblock. It’s no longer a signal to retreat; it’s a signal that you’re stepping into something that matters.
SAD thrives when avoidance and self-protection are your top priorities. But when you let a deeper value take center stage, avoidance starts to feel like a betrayal of what truly matters.
Instead of asking, “How do I avoid feeling anxious?” you find yourself asking, “How can I show up despite my anxiety?”
“But I don’t know what I value…”
If you’re thinking, “This all sounds great, but I don’t have a cause like that. I just want to feel less anxious,” you’re not alone.
That’s the trap of SAD. When anxiety dominates, it can feel like your main priority is avoiding anxiety and surviving social situations. But that’s an illusion. Underneath that fear, your values still exist. They may be buried, but they haven’t disappeared. The challenge is uncovering them.
Uncovering your values when you have social anxiety
Often, the values that resonate most deeply come from lived experience. Your struggles can illuminate what matters most. Here are some examples:
- If you’ve lost someone, you might feel called to support others in grief.
- If you were bullied, you may want to stand up for those who are facing the same humiliation.
- If you’ve battled health issues, you may care about accessibility or compassion in care.
- If you’ve faced discrimination, you might feel drawn to justice and equality.
The important thing is to find the values that actually move you, not the ones you think you’re supposed to care about. And that process takes time. Sometimes you have to try things out, take small steps, and see what feels meaningful. Even little sparks, like curiosity, empathy, and the urge to help, can show you the way.
Who am I beyond my social anxiety?
Social anxiety has a way of covering up your sense of self. Under all the fear, self-doubt, and overthinking, it gets harder to tell what you actually want or enjoy.
You might find yourself wondering:
Do I even like this activity, or am I just anxious the whole time?
Am I doing this because I care about it—or just to prove that I’m not afraid?
These are honest, important questions. And they highlight how easy it is for fear to blur your inner compass. When everything feels like a reaction to anxiety, it’s tough to know what’s really you.
That’s why reconnecting with your values can be such a game-changer. It’s not about forcing yourself to be someone you’re not—it’s about uncovering the parts of you that have been buried under all that fear.
Try asking yourself:
- What feels bigger than me?
- What suffering in the world stirs my heart?
- What makes me feel angry, inspired, or alive?
- Who have I admired, and why?
- What pain have I experienced that I never want someone else to feel?
- What would be worth feeling discomfort for?
Overcoming fear in social anxiety: start where you are
I’m not suggesting you plunge headfirst into terrifying situations. That can backfire. The key is direction—not speed. Even small actions taken in service of a meaningful value can change how you relate to fear.
And here’s the most important part:
- You don’t have to be fearless.
- You don’t have to be perfect.
- You just have to be willing—to show up, to care, and to take the next step.
Let your values lead. Let something bigger than fear work through you.
In my next post, I’ll share some powerful exercises to help you uncover your personal values and begin putting them into practice.
Thanks for reading.
Keep going—you’re more than your fear.
You can read more insights and practical strategies in my other posts.
And you can read my complete story, including how values helped me move beyond social anxiety in my book.
