5 Things That Do NOT Work for Social Anxiety (And Will Totally Backfire)
Why read an article on what does NOT work for social anxiety? Most advice on overcoming social anxiety focuses on what to do – of course! That makes sense and should be the focus of your efforts.
But sometimes, it’s just as helpful to shine a spotlight on what doesn’t work. Why? Because doing the wrong thing doesn’t just stall your progress, it can actually make things worse.
And what’s worse than having social anxiety? Falsely believing that there is no solution to social anxiety because you’ve been wasting your time (and reinforcing unhelpful beliefs) by doing the wrong things!
So, let’s talk about five common (but counterproductive) strategies people often try when dealing with social anxiety disorder, and why they backfire. Here is what does NOT work for social anxiety.
1. Drowning It in Alcohol (or Other Substances)
Having a drink or two to “take the edge off” might feel helpful in the moment. But relying on alcohol or other substances to manage social anxiety is a slippery slope. It masks the symptoms rather than addressing the root problem, and over time, it can lead to dependency, worsening anxiety, and a whole new set of issues.
Let’s use a party as an example. You might feel a little looser and more likely to socialize – which can be positive or negative.
- Positive: You make social connections you might not have made otherwise, which you can count as “wins” in your social experience bank.
- Negative: You’re more likely to say something you later regret – or, thanks to social anxiety, think you said something regrettable and spend hours replaying it. This negative post-event processing is a hallmark feature of social anxiety.
Bottom line: You can’t drink your way out of social anxiety. It’ll still be there in the morning.
2. Avoiding Social Situations
It’s totally understandable to want to steer clear of uncomfortable situations. Avoidance is the very hallmark of social anxiety. But unfortunately it is also like handing your anxiety a megaphone. The more you avoid, the more power anxiety gains. Your world gradually shrinks, and the fear expands.
You may have tried to socialize before and felt worse afterward. That’s normal – it could be due to post-event processing (see above), exposure before you were ready (see below), or just being at the early stages of your recovery. It will get easier.
Bottom line: Avoidance feels like relief in the moment, but long-term, it feeds the anxiety beast.
3. Pretending It Doesn’t Exist Does NOT Work for Social Anxiety
You might think, “If I just act normal, maybe no one will notice how anxious I am.” But denying your social anxiety or trying to push it down often has the opposite effect. It creates an exhausting internal battle – and makes you more self-conscious about your symptoms (like blushing, sweating, or stumbling over words).
In fact, fear of showing symptom – not just having them – is a huge driver of social anxiety. Ask anyone who’s worked through it, and they’ll likely say their first big step was acceptance.
Bottom line: Suppressing anxiety just creates more anxiety. Acceptance is the first step toward change.
4. Jumping Into the Deep End Without a Plan
Exposure therapy – gradually facing feared social situations – is a key part of recovery. But diving into your worst fear without preparation is more likely to traumatize than heal. If your first step is giving a wedding toast in front of 200 people, you’re skipping some crucial warm-up steps. This is sometimes called “flooding” and is the opposite of avoidance. Either extreme is counterproductive.
The key is having graded exposure and preparing for the events beforehand. This works best when you first create a fear hierarchy.
Think of a scale from 0-10 where 0 = no anxiety and 10 = full panic. Start with lower-level exposures and work your way up.
You can find complete instructions on creating a hierarchy here.
Bottom line: Exposure works best when it’s gradual, intentional, and supported – not overwhelming and chaotic.
5. Reading Self-Help Books (and Not Actually Using Them)
Reading about social anxiety is a great first step. But just reading without applying the strategies is like reading about exercise and expecting to get in shape or reading a cookbook and expecting your dinner to appear. Real change comes from daily, consistent practice, not just knowledge.
You don’t need to do everything all at once – but you do need to set aside time for exercises, stick to your plan, and then move on with your day.
And remember – worrying doesn’t count as doing something. People with social anxiety often feel like they’re constantly “working on it,” but sometimes they’re just overthinking or catastrophizing. That’s part of the anxiety cycle.
Bottom line: Insight without action won’t get you unstuck. Put those good ideas into motion!
The Takeaway: What Does NOT Work for Social Anxiety?
Social anxiety disorder is tough, but it’s treatable. The key is doing what actually works, and just as importantly, not doing the things that secretly sabotage your progress.
Avoid the quick fixes, stay committed to the long game, and trust that with the right strategies (and maybe the right support), you can loosen anxiety’s grip and feel more are ease in social situations.
You can read more insights and practical strategies in my other posts.
You can read my complete story in my book.
