If you are like most people with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) or extreme shyness you have been struggling for a long time and have tried tons of approaches to make it go away.
Maybe you’ve tried counseling. Maybe you’ve forced yourself to do things you are afraid of.
Or, maybe you’ve tried the opposite approach of accepting your limitations and resigning yourself to not going out, not taking classes because you have to speak, or not looking for a job because there is just too much interaction with people. In short, you are avoiding it, but at least you don’t need to suffer through the symptoms of heart racing, hands shaking, and mind going blank.
In this post we’ll explain why SAD tends to stubbornly persist. Understanding this is the most important step toward improving your life.
Why social anxiety persists
Social anxiety makes you feel unsafe
When you have social anxiety, your brain sees everyday social situations as threats. It goes into “hypervigilance,” constantly looking for signs that people are judging you. You worry about saying the wrong thing, looking awkward, or embarrassing yourself.
Social anxiety makes you feel inadequate
In addition to worrying that something will go wrong, you also fear that you won’t be able to handle things if it does and that others will see you as weak or incapable. Feeling both unsafe and unable to protect yourself creates a sense of vulnerability.
Social anxiety makes you avoid situations
It’s natural to want to avoid situations that make you uncomfortable. Skipping social events might bring quick relief from anxiety, but it actually makes things worse over time. Avoidance keeps you trapped in a cycle of anxiety because it prevents you from realizing that these situations are usually not as bad as you expect.
Social anxiety can make you feel ashamed
One of the most challenging parts of SAD is the shame that comes with it. It’s not just about being afraid of social situations; it’s also about wanting to hide those fears from others. You might worry that if people notice your anxiety, they will judge you or even take advantage of your vulnerability. Because of this, you may feel the urge to withdraw from social situations, hide your true feelings, and pretend that everything is okay. This instinct to protect yourself can make it even harder to connect with others, keeping you from reaching out for support.
What is the vicious cycle of social anxiety?
When you feel threatened by social situations, you feel unsafe. It’s normal to feel unsafe when there is a threat. All living beings feel unsafe when they are threatened and develop ways to cope. Whether it is running and hiding, playing dead, or fighting, we are wired to react in some way.
But when you feel threatened by just walking into a room, or saying hello to a neighbor, not only are you feeling all the physical symptoms, you feel shame about having these feelings and symptoms in the first place. So you want to hide it so that other people don’t know.
Not only do you feel inadequate to handle the social situation, you feel ashamed of feeling inadequate. This makes you feel worse about yourself, more likely to want to avoid situations, and gives you less opportunity to have some social successes.
In short, you feel anxious about feeling anxious.
And so…the cycle continues.
Is there any way to improve social anxiety?
Yes!
Social anxiety absolutely can improve! No matter you are or what your age, you can learn to be around and talk to people and actually enjoy your time with them!
Humans are social creatures. With social anxiety you want to be comfortable other people but you feel fear and that keeps you separated from the very thing you want.
The cycle of social anxiety comes from the beliefs that you have about yourself. When you change those beliefs, your social anxiety will take care of itself. You may feel some anxiety in certain situations – that is normal. But the disorder of social anxiety will go away.
Feeling better in social situation hinges on the beliefs you have about yourself. There are plenty of things you can do to feel calmer – breathing exercises, talking slower, changing your thoughts – we have tons of separate posts on those, But your underlying beliefs are the fuel that keeps this disorder alive.
You can also read about my complete journey with social anxiety recovery.
